Chinese, Japanese
by azndancer
Summary: Naruto thinks he's Asian. Sasuke thinks otherwise. Everyone else is just... there. CRACK. Beware racial stereotypes.


**Title: Chinese, Japanese**

**Summary: **Naruto thinks he's Asian, Sasuke thinks otherwise. And everyone else is just... there.

**Note:** Remember that episode in the genin days when Naruto ties up Sasuke and impersonates him so he can talk to Sakura? This kind of takes place then, but not quite.

**Warning:** Mature subject matter including racial stereotypes, racial segregation, sexual content. I'm not trying to offend any gingers, daywalkers, albinos, blacks or Asians (Chinese, Japanese or otherwise). If you are easily offended, there are better fics elsewhere.

**SPOILERS:** Chapter 614? But it's such a big spoiler that you have to have heard it by now.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto. Otherwise, Neji would be here with me.

Enjoy!

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"Sasuke! I'm here to attack you and tie you up, then cosplay as you so that Sakura will kiss me!"

Subtlety was never Naruto's strong point, after all.

"Hold on a minute, moron. I'll whoop your ass after I finish my food."

Naruto looked down at the single onigiri in Sasuke's hand.

"Ha! You _would_ be eating rice!"

Sasuke's eyes were a vibrant Sharingan Red in an instant. "Is that some kind of crack on Asians?"

Scandalized whispers buzzed in the background. Naruto looked behind him. His eyes widened as the majority of the village gathered around, eager to see why Sasuke was being defensive. More defensive than usual, that is.

Sasuke spit some rice at the ground. "What, you're gonna say I eat _dog_ now, too?" he prodded angrily.

"That's sick! Don't even say that!" yelled Kiba, who had just arrived.

Naruto shook his head vigorously. "No! It was a joke! I mean, _I'm _Asian! I wouldn't insult my own people!"

"Actually, Naruto, I think you're white," Ino interjected. She, Chouji and Shikamaru had been watching the whole time.

"What? I thought we lived in Japan!"

"No, we live in the Narutoverse!" Tenten chirped.

"What the heck is that?"

"I hold the answer, young crickets!" a booming voice announced. The crowd of villagers parted as a blob of green stalked forward. "We all have Japanese names. Therefore, we are all Japanese!" Gai declared. Thumbs-up and too-bright smile? Check.

"Gai-sensei is right!" Lee shouted, backing up his mentor.

"But Lee's eyes are too big and round to be Asian eyes!" Naruto protested.

Sasuke facepalmed. "You have no idea how racist you are being right now."

"I have a semi-relevant question," a new voice said. All eyes turned to see Itachi coming out of the forest. "How much inbreeding did it take for the entire Hyuga clan to look the same?"

Neji sneered. Hinata blushed. Everyone else wondered how long Itachi had been waiting in the forest.

"He's got a point," Kakashi drawled from his position on the roof. "I mean, the sand siblings don't even look related."

"Yeah! How can they have three different eye and hair colours and come from the same parents?" Kiba asked.

With a gust of wind, Temari, Kankuro and Gaara appeared in the middle of the circle.

"Well," Temari started, "I have the same hair colour as our mother, and Gaara has the same as our father. We think Kankuro is adopted."

Kankuro nodded. Gaara glared. Everyone else wondered why Kankuro and Gaara were wearing matching onesies.

"And why are there so many redheads in this show?" Naruto asked. "I thought they were supposed to be rare!"

"We're not Pokémon, Naruto," Gaara murmured.

Sasori, Karin, Tayuya, Kushina and Nagato nodded. Everyone else wondered how they all came back to life. Except for Karin, because nobody really thinks about her.

"My hair is pink," Tayuya grunted. "So you may as well call Sakura a redhead."

"Don't even get me _started_ on Sakura!"

"Hair dye is really cheap," Ino said, shrugging. "You could all be faking your hair colour."

"Sasori's a natural ginger," Deidara clarified, materializing out of nowhere. "Trust me, un."

Sasori nodded. Everyone else wondered if Deidara was implying what they thought he was implying. And also, whether or not Sasori even had hair _down_ _there_.

"I think we should clarify the difference between gingers and other redheads, you daywalkers," said Yahiko.

Juugo nodded (a lot of nodding going on). Konan screamed in happiness that Yahiko was back. Everyone else was just realizing that Konan's hair was blue, but decided not to comment on it.

"Don't forget the albinos. You'd think they'd be even rarer than the gingers!" said Suigetsu, stepping into the spotlight. The army of ghosts behind him consisted of Kimimaro, Jiraiya, Hidan, Kabuto and Kakashi.

"Huh. I always thought Kakashi was just an old man," Sai remarked, staring at his grey-haired leader in a new light.

"Yeah, and he's hiding all his wrinkles underneath that mask!" Naruto shouted.

Kakashi started pointing at various villains interspersed amongst the villagers. "Kakuzu, Tobi, Haku, Zabuza, Danzo, Hanzo, Orochimaru and that one guy from ANBU all had masks at one time. Just because you wear a mask doesn't mean you have something to hide."

Sasuke sighed. "Actually, that's exactly what it means."

Meanwhile, Naruto was trying to figure out which guy from ANBU Kakashi was talking about.

"Who the hell is Haku?" someone in the back yelled.

...

Sasuke was the first to break the silence. "Anyway, Naruto, you don't look Japanese in the slightest. If anything, you, Ino, Deidara, the Fourth and the Fifth look Swedish."

"Actually, Tsunade-sama's eyes are hazel, and she dyes her hair blond, so she doesn't quite fit the – mmph!"

Everyone watched as Tsunade covered Shizune's mouth, then proceeding to drag her to some faraway cliff somewhere.

"I'm not sure if anybody knows this," Tenten spoke up, "but I'm actually a Chinese exchange student."

Naruto spit out his milk. "From China?"

"...Yeah."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "This show is so xenophobic. Tenten is the only Chinese person, and then when black people finally show up, it turns out we're so segregated that they have their own village."

Darui sauntered into the circle. "We're not black, man. The Village Hidden in the Clouds just ironically does not get a lot of protection from the sun."

"I demand a DNA test!" Naruto screeched, stomping his foot.

Kabuto appeared with a clipboard. "Unfortunately, it is impossible to determine the genetic makeup at this time, due to – "

"Shut up, Kabuto," Naruto cut in. "I remember when I thought you were cool for, like, two episodes, until it turned out you were being mentally unstable with that weird-ass Orochimaru."

"Who are you calling weird-ass?" came the screech from above. All eyes looked upwards.

Sasuke Sharingan-ed. Itachi Sharingan-ed. Everyone else wondered why Orochimaru was wearing a snakeskin onesie.

Naruto spit out his juice. "What the heck are you doing here?!" he shrieked.

Orochimaru blinked. "Oh, didn't you hear? I was revived."

"Since when?"

"Quite a few chapters ago, actually."

"Argh! That's another thing I hate about this show! You think someone is dead, but they keep coming back!"

"You're right, Naruto," said Itachi, eyeing Orochimaru warily. "It's starting to feel like Dragon Ball up in here."

"What the hell is Dragon Ball?" called some guy in the back.

"I remember when I died. And then came back to life," Itachi said wistfully. Sasuke, Kakashi, Chouji, Neji, Gaara and everyone affected by the Edo Tensei had similar looks of nostalgia on their faces.

Kiba decided it was his turn again. "Neji, how does it feel to be dead for good this time?"

"Actually, it's better than I thought it would be, Kiba. While I did fulfill the Branch House duty of protecting Hinata-sama, I'm finally at peace and free from– "

"Don't worry, Neji!" Naruto butt in. "Now that I'm indestructible due to my main character status, I'll bring you back to life, no matter what! I promise you that! And I never go back on my word! That is my nindo! My ninja way!"

Everyone sweat-dropped. Neji marveled at the déjà vu.

"I thought your nindo was to never give up," Kiba said.

Naruto rubbed at his neck. "Er, well... They're the same thing..."

Everyone rolled their eyes, because it was obvious they were not.

"Naruto," Sai spoke up, "the only person besides you that I've heard of having a nindo is Hinata, and she copied yours. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but it's starting to seem like something you just made up."

"Actually, the Uchiha clan has its own collective nindo," Itachi supplied.

"Really? I never knew that!" Naruto exclaimed, looking at Sasuke. He received a stoic glare in return.

Of course, Sasuke never knew that either, but he sure-as-hell wasn't letting anybody figure that out. Especially Itachi.

"What is the Uchiha clan's nindo, Itachi?"

Itachi mumbled something and avoided eye contact.

All was silent.

Actually, Shikamaru was snoring in his chair, so it dampened the effect.

"Ugh, I can't believe the amount of fan art I'm in with that lazy piece of crap," Tayuya grumbled, blowing at the annoying bangs in her eyes.

"Hey, bitch, don't call my boyfriend a piece of crap," Temari said, reaching back for her giant-ass fan.

"Hey, don't call my boyfriend _your_ boyfriend!" Ino squealed, yanking on Temari's pigtails.

"He's mine. He would never go for someone as high-maintenance as you! Whereas I'm feminine, but sturdy!"

"'_Feminine but sturdy'_? No way! You're just some really butch lesbian!"

Meanwhile Shikamaru woke up and was apathetically watching two blond women fight over him.

Naruto bounded over and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hey, Shikamaru! What's it like to have sex with a butch lesbian like Temari?"

Shikamaru sighed. "I can't say, but she probably treats dicks like she treats trees."

Everyone took a moment to recall when Temari chopped down an entire forest without even considering any environmental repercussions.

"Sasuke, there you are! Why are all these people here?"

Sasuke cringed. Naruto brightened. Everyone watched as Sakura made her way through the crowd.

"I made you some onigiri! Since you said you like them! And you look so cute eating them! I really think that– "

"Shut. The hell up. You fuzzbag."

Sakura gasped. Naruto spit out his beer. Everyone else decided it was okay for Sasuke to talk to Sakura like that because this was before Shippuden.

That last sentence was the final straw, and the fourth wall tumbled in defeated heaps of plaster and insulation, causing everyone to poof away, back to their rightful places in the timeline.

Except for two young ninjas.

Naruto eyes Sasuke. He really _does _look cute eating that rice ball.

What had he been doing before everyone started interrupting?

Oh, that's right.

Naruto pounces.

Yaoi ensues.

**END**

* * *

I've decided that it won't matter if nobody likes this, because it's pretty much my fantasy. These are just some of the things I've noticed about the show we all love. It got a little choppy at the end, but that's reminiscent of my thought process.

I don't think it's _too_ controversial. Let me know what you think!


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